i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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