genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
