does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
