how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
