i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
