I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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