What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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