i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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