apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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