If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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