if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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