went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
