Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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