Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Randomize