i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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