Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
