your thong is hanging out like whoa
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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