You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
