I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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