someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
