The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
