I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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