why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
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