If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
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