Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize