Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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