I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
