My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
