Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
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