Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Randomize
