Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
there is puke in my bra ... again
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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