im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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