he puts the penis in happiness.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
