he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Randomize