i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
