If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
i just made my gag reflex go away.
only you would photoshop your dick
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
