Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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