I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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