I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
