So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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