You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
