**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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