My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i already hear my dad disowning me
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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