come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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