no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Randomize
