Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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