Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
