Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
