Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
My sheets look like a crime scene.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Randomize
