She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
