they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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