You don't have asthma, your pregnant
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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