Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Randomize
