I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize