i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
