Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
