Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
