# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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