My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
i hope someone procrastinates by putting up the pics up...
sarah said she can't even post all of hers due to facebook indecency rules
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
